Dear Sucker, I mean Consumer,

This year we're slashing prices all across our stores.  We'll give you 50% off of everything store wide, plus $10 in store cash for every $50 you spend.  It's like we're paying you to shop.  ha ha. ha ha.  Be sure not to look at the marked up original price.  We know that's illegal, but hey, what are they going to do?  Take us all down?  We're too big to fail. 

We know, no-one in their right mind would pay $80 for a shirt, but just think of the savings when we slash that price in half at the register.  Then we can circle how much you saved and say with a smile, look you only spent $328, but you saved $6,492.  So come back tomorrow and SAVE, SAVE, SAVE.  It really would be a crime for you not to buy these things at such low prices.  Who needs groceries and electricity? 

And did we mention the low 29% interest rate?  Don't be scared, just think of your poor children and their disappointment had you not given them each 13 1/2 presents.  You saved your family, and by so doing saved the world.  Give yourself a hearty pat on the back. 

You wouldn't want to murder Santa Claus would you? Think of the tears when little Jimmy found out that he only got an ipod a PS3, and a new cell phone when Timmy got all of that plus 5 new air soft guns and his own 46" plasma for his room.  Jimmy would lose his faith in Santa Claus and end up in jail because of his inferiority complex.  Murderer of Santa.

Don't forget, the fate of the economy is on  your spending shoulders.  It doesn't matter that you don't actually have the money.  Hey, the government is $50gazilliontrillion dollars in debt, and you don't see them putting away the plastic, now do you?

What?  Baby Jesus?  Oh, no, no, no.  We don't talk about that anymore.  It might distract you from spending.

So shop away good little soldiers.  It's the patriotic thing to do.

P.S. Be sure to avoid the homeless and poor, it might bring an ugly thing we call, guilt of indulgence.  Nasty, nasty term.